Babies Don't Play Fair.

Seriously. Especially when you're outnumbered, 3 to 1, it's like a four way dance of death where three people all team up to beat up one guy and they don't really care about winning.

Kids do that. And it can be exasperating beyond belief. I don't believe in hitting kids, per se (jury is still out on spanking), but there are days where I think that a minor throttling would not be out of the question.

Today was one of those days.

Truthfully, it started last night. Emily was being "cute." She woke up at 3, so I changed her, went to the bathroom and then tried to feed her. As soon as the nipple hit her mouth, she was out. I sat there, tried to prod her awake and nothing. She was out.

So I put her down. And BOOM. Awake. I succeeded in feeding her but had no luck in putting her to sleep. Finally, I was ready to give up so I put her back into her bassinet where she promptly fell asleep instantly. This baby was messing with me. She thinks she's funny, but she'll learn.

(also, she's continuing the "falling asleep/waking up" thing right now... wtf)

Then, there was Matt and his goddamn big boy bed. I say it like that because there was nothing "big boy" about his behavior today. The past few nights, it has been a literal nightmare trying to get him to fall asleep. We've been sitting in the room for 45 minutes plus, and usually he's still awake when we leave. We're lucky if he stays in bed.

Today sucked extra hard because I had to pee when I took them upstairs. It was a little later than normal, so I figured they'd be out in no time. WRONG-O. 25 minutes late and he was sitting up, staring at me. I figured I'd give it a shot and go pee. As soon as I was over the gate, I heard feet hitting ground.

So I peed, went back up and heard him scuttle into bed. I hung out for a little bit and since it was quiet, decided to go check on Em before my shower. She was quiet, so I got clean. By the time I was out: pitter-patter of little feet from above, hoots and hollers from below. The team-up had begun.

Got dressed, grabbed a bottle and Em, headed upstairs. Matt had unloaded a library into Lilly's crib, and she was sitting flipping through the books while he did the same on the floor outside her crib. I grabbed the books, put him in his crib and sat there. For another 45 minutes.

Lilly jumped up and down in her crib. Matt sat and stared at me. Em fussed and continued to spit the nipple from the bottle out of her mouth. Believe it or not, this was really, really annoying. Like I was being taunted from all sides. Finally, I cracked. I set Em down, and grabbed the sides for Matt's bed and changed it back into a crib.

THen I walked out of the room (with Em, of course). They fussed and cried, but eventually they went to sleep.

But it doesn't end there.

After nap was a nightmare. Em fussed and fussed and fussed and fussed and fussed endlessly. Nothing that I could do was right. She wouldn't sleep, wouldn't eat, didn't want to be held, but didn't want to be put down.

Matt was bullying Lilly who was trying to grab the baby's bottle and everyone was trying to get a piece of me.

I tried taking the kids outside and that was a disaster. Three crying kids standing in the middle of my driveway? NOT FUN.

Eventually, Vanessa came home and let me escape for a bit. I needed it. Oh God, did I ever need it. When I came home, I was relaxed, Vanessa was getting the kids ready for bed and there was a picture on the table for me. It was from a Star Wars coloring book and it said, "Daddy, you are our hero." Damn cute kids doing things to make me forget why I was so upset in the first place.

Father's Day.

This is my second Father's Day. Last year, Lilly was only about a month old and Matt was just over a year. We spent the day at my parent's house and it was pretty awesome.

This year was even better. Again, we spent the day at my parent's house. Most of it was in the pool. Neither of the big kids has any fear of water at all. Matt floated in a raft the whole time (Jeffrey pushed him around) and Lilly floated between Vanessa, my parents and I. Unfortunately, we didn't have the Lil Swimmer diapers, just regular crappy ones (poor quality, not filled with poop, just to be clear), and those things were SWOLLEN. Both kids ended up looking kind of like Howard the Duck from the movie of the same name.

When Matt finally got out of the pool (this took some time, and he was jumping back in like an Olympic diver), his diaper was so swollen that he looked like he had an ENORMOUS bubble butt. If pictures had done it any justice, I would post one. I might still any way.

Eventually, Lilly got tired of it and ended up swimming naked for a bit and then with her suit on. At one point, she was walking around the outside of the pool, and had been for a few minutes. And then she peed. All the while, Emily slept. I have a feeling that tonight I will be spending a lot of time with her. I'm OK with that.

Trying to explain how awesome this all is is incredibly difficult. I truly believe that you've never experienced love at it's fullest until you've had a child. That experience broadens your understanding of love. It brought my closer to Vanessa and overall, made me into a better person.

The simplicity of having a day with no responsibility (no chores, no meals to cook, NOTHING) and just having fun relaxing in the pool, splashing around with my wife and my big babies--it's really the most amazing experience ever. I feel bad for people that won't ever experience it. Parenting can be incredibly trying and beyond tiring, but a day like today makes every single headache worth it. There is nothing like ending the day totally sun-baked, chlorinated and exhausted. It is indescribably awesome.

So, yeah, today was totally awesome. Thanks for asking.

Parenting is not a straight line from A to B.

More like a curly cue with several zigs, a handful of zags and a loop de loop or four. I think that, without any false sense of bravado, I can say that this is especially true for my family.

Matt and Emily are adopted. This process can be long, tedious and costly, even under the best situation. Ours is even more twisted because their biological mother is my adopted sister. The circumstances of their removal (at birth) from her care isn't a nice one. Let's just say that it is completely and utterly not a safe place to raise a child.

When CSB called us about Matt's case, Vanessa and I knew that we had to be a part of his life. Every child deserves the best, and very rarely do they get it. THe foster care system is a fucked up, flawed place where kids fall through the cracks, get tossed from home to home and the guidelines for who can and cannot be a foster parent are pretty slack. So we stepped in to be mom and dad.

But things hit a speed bump pretty early on. Bio Mom was pissed at our family, convinced that it was our fault that Matt was taken from her in the first place. So she went into to court and said that my family was a bunch of bad people and that we would hurt Matt to get back at her.

So we fought. We hired a lawyer and inserted ourselves into the case. We were bound and determined to provide the best life outcome for Matt. Even when it seemed hopeless, we persevered. Eventually, Bio Mom came around and saw that her case was pretty much doomed, and signed off on us having legal custody. Matt came home to stay a week after Lilly was born. So in one week, we went from having zero kids to having a newborn and a one year old.

Eventually, word got back to us that Bio Mom was pregnant again. The first question everyone asked was, "Are you going to take this one too?" And from the start, we said no. The process was too painful, too long and we didn't want to put our family through it again. From the start, we knew that we were lying. Of course we were going to do it.

There are a lot of reasons: this is our son's sister. The repercussions of NOT doing it are astronomical. There are so many questions that Matt could ask that I don't ever want to have to answer. And I won't ever have to. Because things went very differently this time.

CSB stepped in as soon as Emily was born. This time, Bio Mom said that Vanessa and I should take Emily so that she could be with her brother. This was before anyone ever spoke to us about the matter. The phone call that we got was essentially, "This is CSB. We're taking custody of Emily Beane. Bio Mom would like you to take kinship care while she works her case plan."

The discussion that we had with Bio Mom was short and simple, "I don't want to work a case plan. I can't get my head out of the water, this is what's best for her." It was the most grown up decision that I've ever seen her make, and I was very proud of her for doing it. Then, I very literally carried her baby out of the room, taking her away from her forever.

It was one of the worst moments of my life, because I could hear Bio Mom's heart breaking. The flip-side is that I knew how much better off Emily would be with us.

Yesterday was a big day because we went to court. Usually, after 30 days, there is a hearing where the details of the case plan are discussed in order to achieve reunification. To the judge's surprise, Bio Mom was foregoing that, asking for Full Legal custody to be placed with Vanessa and I.

Seems like a straight line, but it isn't. We were awarded Temporary Legal Custody while we wait for Bio Dad's paternity test to come back. Even though it was court ordered and CSB bent over backwards to make it happen, he didn't take it on time so the results hadn't come back...

Obvious questions that people have:
How and why are Vanessa and I willing to do this?
--Short answer? Because it's important and because we have been blessed (by God? I dunno if I want to go there) with the strength and determination to do it. That or we're too stupid to say no. Take your pick.

How can you say that you feel the same for Matt and Emily as you do for Lilly, your biological daughter?
--Easy. I'll give you an example. Emily failed her first two hearing tests in the hospital, so she had to be rechecked. For the test, they put me in a separate room while they hooked electrodes and all kinds of machinery to her. The sick feeling that I got in my stomach was identical to the one I got when we had an echo-cardiogram for Lilly to make sure that she was healthy, or when she had a minor surgery under her tongue. My reaction to Matt's pains and sicknesses are identical. The feelings that I get when Matt snuggles me versus when Lilly does it are the same. Forever and ever, these are my children. No matter how they came to be here, they are.

What are you going to tell the kids?
--The truth. They deserve it. Hiding it won't accomplish anything.

Do you really think that you can make it work?
--Absolutely. See question number one. Also, because we have an amazing support system. Also, as an incredibly smart man told me, "If anyone can make it work, it's you Beanes."

What about the next one?
--Shut up. I don't want to think about it.

I know that it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, and that's OK. It doesn't have to. It only has to make sense to Vanessa, me and the kids.

Children's Television.

When I was a kid, the shows that I watched included He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Thudnercats, and G.I. Joe: two shows about large dudes carrying swords and beating up bad guys, and another about a military force with laser guns beating the crap out of a terrorist organization. Sure, they shoe-horned morals in at the end. For instance, this one where Shipwreck convinces you not to run away:



But really, they were all about the ridiculous action where the good guys beat up the bad guys. End of story.

Today, things are different. For instance:



There is definitely part of me that's saying, "What in the hell is this?" And then, the Roots play a song, introduced by John Reis (of Rocket from the Crypt non-fame(my favorite band, unknown to most of the world)), or Andy Samberg or Elijah Wood teaches us a new dance. Or MARK FREAKING MOTHERSBAUGH (of Devo) draws a fish. Or a goat on a boat.

Or on this other show, Jack's Big Music Show, where Andrew Bird shows up and this happens:



So. I know that the shows I watched probably weren't targeted at me and that there are shows just as brainless today (Pokemon, Ben 10 and who knows what else), but the example above, plus things like Wonder Pets, Backyardigans and the like are fantastic. They're usually short, which is great for little kids and their short attention spans, have bright colors and teach a lesson. They encourage dancing, singing and creative thinking while also managing to be a positive influence.

I can get behind this. They're fun, they're entertaining, the kids love them and I enjoy them too. Best part? No commercials. They aren't trying to sell me anything! All of the shows that I grew up on are literally 30 minutes toy commercials with breaks put in for more toy commercials.

There's a certain amount of creativity and purity to these shows that is unparalleled. I can almost picture the creators of Yo Gabba Gabba sitting in a room and saying, "We really need to address the issue of kids biting each other. Through song." And they do, and it's awesome.

Whether it works or not is hard to say. But still. I'll take the head start, for sure.

Matt and the Big Boy Bed.

So, Matt is two years old. And smarter than any two-year-old has the right to be. You can see the wheels turning in his head as he watches and figures things out, putting the pieces together. He may have been two months premature and have a speech delay, but the boy is practically an evil genius.

This past Friday, I woke up to an unexpected noise: the pitter-patter of little, two-year-old feet. Our house is set up with the kids above us, on the third floor and every room has that fake wood floor stuff, so any movement at all comes right through the ceiling. I went to check, and there was Matt, as happy as could be, throwing all kinds of toys into Lilly's crib. I was not ready for this at all.

Vanessa and I did the smart thing and turned his crib into a day bed.

Things went well until Monday. Monday was a big, fat pain in the ass. It took me two hours of screaming, shouting and fighting to get Matt to fall asleep for his nap. Every time I laid him down, he was up again, running around, sometimes before I had even left the room. Sometimes, he would look at me, and the look was 100%, "Yeah, I'm winning. Ha. Ha. Ha." Frustrated? You better believe it.

I got some sage advice from my mom, though. She told me to sit in there until he fell asleep. This seems like another pain in the ass, but one I could deal with. After all, sitting and watching my kids sleep is much less stressful than fighting with them. The first night, it went well. Last night? I stayed through the Hushabye Johnny Cash CD that we play and he was still awake.

Testing me. I'm sick, and ready to fall asleep while standing, let alone sitting in a glider, and I'd close my eyes. Randomly, from the darkness, "Da?" And he's staring intently at me, "I'm watching you, Dad. Slip up once, I dare you." Every once in awhile, he'd just slightly lift his head to make sure that I was still watching.

The boy is an evil genius.

But the jokes on him. In his quest to stay awake, he positioned his head closer to the edge than he did his feet. When I came downstairs, I said to Vanessa, "He's going to hit the floor."

An hour later, there was a loud thump from the third floor. Matt had hit the floor. No crying, no tears. He got up, crawled into the chair and quickly fell back to sleep. I went, picked him up and set him back in bed.

Because even evil geniuses need their sleep.

Welcome to Daditude.

Hey there.

My name is Jay and this is my blog, Daditude. Here are a few things you should know about me:

1.) I'm a dad. I have three kids: Matt, 2, Lilly, 1, and Emily, 1 month.
2.) I'm a stay-at-home dad. My wife, Vanessa, is working on her degree and is interning this summer at Community Support Services. Until the fall, I'm playing nanny, housekeeper and cook.
3.) I used to be a punk rocker.
4.) I love my life.

So, this is a start. I'll update this with whatever, whenever.

Thanks for stopping by.